10th May 2016
I haven’t been around here much. I’ve been too busy being disgusting. A mother cockroach scurried out of my linen cupboard last week and when I had a closer look, I found some big brown balls. Heart in mouth, I did a Google image search on ‘cockroach eggs’.
Each one of those little bastards can hold FIFTY EGGS.
I had to empty out the whole cupboard (yay! Fun times with laundry!) and in the end, I found about fifteen eggs. ERMERGERD SAH SAH GROSS. Dr Google said that I should bash the eggs with a hammer - if I threw them away, they’d just hatch in the bin. While emptying the cupboard the mother cockroach appeared and tried to make a run for it down the hall.
I chased her and squashed her under my boot and it was awful. Since having children I can’t kill living creatures. Even the ugly ones have mothers. But I did, I chased her, I murdered her and I wailed the whole time like a crazy lady. ‘OH I”M SORRY EWWWWW I”M SORRY’
Then I took all the little egg babies out to the front steps and killed them with a hammer.
I’m not finished. That afternoon, all five us of covered our heads with evil insect-killing lotion and murdered a whole bunch of lice.
Unfollow me if you must after this. I understand. You probably thought I was a reasonable lady, not a serial killer. At the very least, a terrible Buddhist.
Hey! Come round for sleepovers!