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This Is My Brain In Chinglish

7th September 2015

Last week I came across a news website that had reprinted my Golden Door diary, but only after running it through the bizarro-meter. On high.

Remember that Friends episode where Joey uses a thesaurus to write a love letter, exchanging every simple word for a fancier one?

I’ve been Tribbianied!

This is almost my favourite ever thing to happen to me. I cannot tell you how much joy this piece of absurdism brought me. I tried to send it to a couple of friends but the link broke. So in case the internet eats it, I thought I’d better reproduce it here so I have somewhere to go if I am ever having a bad day.

Here it is:

My three tiny children keep me flattering busy. What with cleaning a blood off a trampoline, using a brief sequence kitchen, and negotiating, each night, whose spin it is for a ‘Cuddle Me’ hot-water bottle, it’s uninterrupted movement around here. we also work part-time and juggle that many tedious and common of all ailments: a bad back.

Recently we was given an impossibly inexhaustible gift: a week-long stay during a health shelter to keep my heavenly crony D company. She’s a Mum too, and going by critical health problems. For both of us, this week was an complete 360 grade about-face exit from genuine life. Here’s my diary.


Driving adult to a commanding gates on a property, D and we are anxious. We feel like we are self-surrendering to some kind of minimum-security jail farm.

In a dining room we are served a initial ‘clean’ meal. No sugar, no caffeine, no gluten, no preservatives, no alcohol, no salt. we make a masturbation fun that we bewail slightly. It’s a nerves.

When we see a villa, we die: a bathroom! At home, a tiny tolerable shack, we have one lavatory with a composting dunny. While we bathe, children broach prolonged monologues about Harry Potter and protest about who ‘smelt it’ and who ‘dealt it’. Here, we have my possess bath, my possess shower, my possess toilet, and a TV that swings around to be watched from any or all of these perches. It’s paradise.


The day starts with tai chi during sunrise, and rolls on into yoga, massage and a uninterrupted shouting with D. It feels wonderful, yet all we can consider about is coffee. Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee.

At dinner, a whole list has a headache: a deep, pulsation mom of a thing. The staff tell us it’s sugarine withdrawal. ‘I keep meditative about this extraordinary cheesecake we had once,’ says R, wistfully. She describes a cake in amatory fact while a rest of us listen avidly and bucket adult a gluten-free, caffeine-free, preservative-free, sugar-free and taste-free dishes with chilli and pepper. We splash herbal tea by a bucketload.

I dream we am trapped in a Scientology compound.


My conduct is still pounding, and now my sinuses are fasten a party. we confirm to check out a steam room. Once inside, we spend fifteen mins respirating energetically yet my nose before we notice a ‘on’ switch beside a door. Winning during life, again!

In a afternoon we have a one-on-one event with a dilettante practitioner who helps me consider by ways we could improved organise, reason and pierce my body. I’m shaken going to his villa for my session.

“What if he Bill Cosby’s me?” we ask D as we leave.

“Don’t splash a tea!” she shouts after me.


A concerned wheeze travels around a dining room.

“There’s dessert tonight!”

Yep, we have been successfully institutionalised. We all puncture in, yet then: a tinkling crash. Across a list from me, a lady looks up, horrified. So eager was she in her office of a rhubarb pulp that she pennyless a glass.

My headache is left and we realize what a surpassing rest my mind is having. In bland life, using a tiny association of a family, my mind hums with to-do lists and menus and carpool arrangements. This week, I’ve sealed down all those tabs, and my physique and mind are resting deeply. we feel myself slipping into a state of unknown calm.

Serenity now!


I boyant into a dining room during breakfast time on a cloud of mellow. I’ve practised tai chi, taken a cardio category in a swimming pool, sucked behind a litre of H2O and filled my lungs with frail morning air.

“How are we feeling?” asks my list partner C.

“Great!” we say. “I’ve got no pain anywhere in my body.”

And then, we explode into a inundate of tears. we startle myself. we startle C. She gets adult and gives me a hug. (One, two, three, now it’s awkward.) All this assent seems to have liberated adult a lot of feelings. My face leaks during visit intervals. Perhaps it’s a tea?


New people arrive and we give them a run of a corner like creepy prefects. One lady seems totally freaked out, so we grin beatifically and pronounce to her in a relaxing voice like a cult member.

“You’ll be fine. Everyone is beautiful.”

At lunch, we plead poo during length. I’ve got a lot going on downstairs, and I’m not alone. Either my physique is expelling toxins and adjusting to a life in that we don’t feed it chocolate each 3 hours, or something has crawled adult there and died.


Today we travel 7 kilometres, feeling fit and vital. It is a surpassing impulse for me, as we realize usually how concerned and protecting we am in genuine life of my bad back, and how most that stress keeps me from strength.

It’s a final night. D and we fear that reintegrating into silent life is going to be brutal. At this place we are coddled like disproportionate babies, an distilled sensation. We even travel around a place sucking on hulk bottles. And each night, a housekeeper turns down a bedcovers and lights essential oils in a bathroom.


Last day! It’s bizarre to be behind in a car. D and we confirm to stop during a lifelike tiny winery circuitously for a coffee. Our eyes accommodate as a waiter passes us with a play of crisp, tainted fries. We sequence a bowl, that we breathe in record time. They are glorious.

“I competence collect adult a bottle of booze for home”, says D.

“It’s a five-wine tasting,” says a lady behind a counter, as she pours us a shiraz or three, a stimulating rose and a impertinent dessert wine. At some indicate D and we realize we are usually 5 mins down a highway from a health farm. Oops!

Finally home, we am concerned to see my pleasing father and beautiful kids. But my welcome-back dinner, pleasant as it is, gives me teenager romantic whiplash. The comedy, nakedness and ear-bleeding sound spin takes removing used to, after a week of dishes spent in still conversation, with companions that did not get adult and dance, nude, mid-meal. While my children are my comprehensive favourite comedians, ‘peaceful’ is not an verb that describes a cooking table.


My residual ease gets me by a initial propagandize run, yet by six, all is descending apart. I’m station during a stove, cooking dinner, and all 3 children are seeking me questions during once. It’s all too most — I’ve mislaid my multi-tasking mojo.

Soon we realize what a biggest mangle has been from: a bloody housework. we have hardly carried a finger for a week. What a fall: from Cleopatra to Cleopatra’s housekeeper.

Also, my behind hurts all a time again, an destined byproduct of a bustling physicality of family life. But my connection to it has shifted in some surpassing way. And that stately week-long rest was so, so nourishing. Now, to insert some Zen into a existence of Mount Washmore and mislaid hats and Mum’s Taxi. we consider I’d improved start by training a children how to spin down my bedcovers each night.

If you made it this far, and you’re interested, the original is here

Have a great day. I really hope your behind doesn’t hurt, you aren’t suffering from teenager romantic whiplash, and if you make a masturbation joke, you bewail it only slightly xxx

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