3 Inspirational Articles To Start The Week

Australia’s oldest man knits jumpers for penguins.


This Tasmanian woman recycles Bratz dolls into proper little people. She is adorable, and the dolls are too.

Finally, a week in Florida’s sexiest retirement village, where 100, 000 people live in a sort of rebublican-tinged utopian wonderland, all owned by a reclusive billionaire called The Deveoper. Folks may be old at The Villages , but they sure are bold. Keith is off to Florida for work soon, and so I shall get him to pick up some brochures for our retirement files. Me, I like the Mamma Mia brunches where the ladies get together to have a dance, and as for Keith, I think he could really get into the hyper-competitive Pickleball league, a cross between Ping Pong and tennis.

All of the possibilities get me to daydreaming about what sort of retiree I’d be if I lived here. The marketing department is aware of this sensation; they have a sales video online called “Permanent Vacation.” I price real estate. I spend hours at night perusing the activities bulletin. In this fantasy every day begins with a bike ride or lap swimming and then tennis. I’d spend my afternoons kayaking or learning golf or playing H-O-R-S-E with a rotating cast of old sonsofbitches who like drinking Coors more than shooting hoops. I’d partake in Pilates and competitive dragon boat racing. I’d carve out time for some occasional indoor activities — maybe join the “Wanna Be Writers” group or take a woodworking class.

It’s not all Pilates and Pickleball though, The writer describes a group of older ladies dancing to Blurred Lines who look at him like a ‘well-marbled steak’. Also, there are many tales of geri-action.

A waitress tells me about key parties at an Italian restaurant on Sumter Landing: “Golf cart keys get put in a fishbowl in the middle of the table, wives wait in the parking lot for their mystery dates.” I’m told about a prostitution ring that has recently been broken up. Orgies are said to be a regular occurrence. I am warned about women prowling around bars indiscriminately offering oral sex. There is reportedly a black market for Viagra. One of Bob’s buddies confesses to watching a couple www.honeytraveler.com/pharmacy/ fuck in a golf cart on a dead-end street. I’m told that sticking a loofah on your cart antenna signifies you’re into swinging. So does wearing a crimson button. According to multiple people, wearing gold shoes or letting your shirt tag stick out in the back signals you’re on the prowl. I hear a story about a scorned woman painting “YOU FUCKING PRICK YOU GAVE ME HERPES!” in red letters on her lover’s garage door. Recently, a married 68-year-old woman became a folk hero after getting arrested with a 49-year-old man for having sex in the square at Lake Sumter Landing. The cops brought her to jail and a Villages restaurant named a drink after her — Sex on the Square. It involves whipped cream and a cherry.

A long-form article, this one. You might want to settle in with a nice warm cardi and a Pina Colada.

We spent lots of  last week learning this French tongue twister, courtesy of my boyfriend Stephen Fry in his Fry Chronicles. It translates as ‘Dido dined, they say, off the enormous back of an enormous turkey’; and in Fronch, it goes ‘Dido dina, dit-on, du dos dodu d’un dodu dindon.’ It’s taken me a few day, but I’ve got it.

We are hoping to spend 2017 living in France.  (Excitement all round.) I may come home from the supermarket with eight large watermelons, but I have one tongue-twister under my belt. Last things first, as they say.

Happy week ahead, my cabbages! May the road rise to meet you, and the wind be at your back. May we all, this week, feel as vital and gorgeous as the young Liz Taylor and James Dean – pictured here just months before his death –  and remember that we don’t know how long we have the remarkable possibilities of life before us. Let’s embrace them, comrades! Let’s go and eat off the enormous back of that enormous turkey!

Elisabeth Taylor and James Dean on the set of Giant, 1956

ps - I’m thinking of starting a series on marriage. Email me if you have, or know, somebody with an interesting one – long, short, unusual or notable in some way. I’d love to hear from you.