Yesterday at lunchtime I got a text from my friend S. ‘Send a topless picture to A, ‘ it said. ‘She’s having a bad day and it will help her. I just did it and I told the others.’ I am a strong believer in the power of community ridiculousness, and so I took a selfie in which I tried to pinch my own nipple with a pair of kitchen tongs. In fact I overcooked my eggs trying to get the shot. (It’s harder than it might sound. Try it! I’ll wait.)
I sent off the picture, and that afternoon, up at school for the Book Fair parade,I saw A and asked if my nipples had pleased her. She was confused – her old-school phone doesn’t accept pictures! So I had to pull up the photo on my own phone and show her there. We looked at S’s photo too; more involved than mine. S had actually wedged her phone in the fork of a tree and taken a video where she ran towards it through the bushes. At least, I think that’s what was happening. I didn’t have my glasses on and it’s definitely the kind of thing S would do. School mums, you know what they’re like.
A was very pleased. It did lift her mood, so the job was well done. Just another day in the sisterhood.
After school, though, I ran into the deputy head, and offered to take her pic with my little Peanut. (They were dressed as the same book character.) I snapped the photo and then said ‘I’ll text it to you!’.
Have you guessed what is coming?
My toes are curling at the memory.
I opened my messaging page, and while the teacher looked over my shoulder, up came a picture of me, close up, topless, looking very serious and manipulating myself with a kitchen implement. I quickly stabbed buttons to get rid of the image, but I am not the quickest at this.
My only hope is that she was not wearing her glasses. I can’t even imagine what story her brain would fit to that photo. Do you think they will discuss it in the office?
Please god, let her not have been wearing her glasses.
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